Why Silence in Counselling Feels So Uncomfortable (And What to Do With It)

If you're training in counselling skills, silence probably feels like one of the most challenging aspects of the work. That moment when your client stops speaking and the room goes quiet - suddenly, every second feels like an eternity. Your mind races: Should I say something? Have I done something wrong? Are they uncomfortable? Am I being helpful just sitting here?

The urge to fill that silence, to say something, anything, can feel overwhelming. And you're not alone in that discomfort.

But here's what's important to understand: that discomfort isn't really about the silence itself. It's about what silence means to you, and what you've unconsciously learned about the value - or danger - of quiet spaces.

Let's explore why silence feels so uncomfortable, what it actually offers therapeutically, and how you can learn to sit with it more comfortably.

The Discomfort with Silence

One of the typical challenges for Level 2 students when thinking about silence is an unconscious discrediting of its value. There's a sense that if you're not doing something - asking a question, offering a reflection, moving the conversation forward - then you're not really helping.

This reveals something crucial: students often approach silence as a mechanised task rather than an attitudinal quality.

You might arrive at your CPCAB Level 2 course thinking about the skills and techniques you need to learn. What do I have to do now? What action do I need to perform? There can be an overriding burden: I must do something. I must be actively engaged. I must contribute to this session. I'm not doing the work unless I'm actively asking questions or moving things forward.

It's as if you need to excavate the heart of the matter like a furious rabbit digging. But what this reveals is your own issues with silence.

The Urge to Fill the Gaps

One of the primary feelings students experience is: this doesn't feel okay. There's an urge, an impulse, to say something, to fill the space, to cover the gaps that occur as the client takes time to reflect and think.

Students can feel they're not doing it right. Science becomes a mechanised process where you're not really paying attention to the other person - you're just so uncomfortable with the space that you need to fill it.

And that reveals so much about ourselves. About how silence has been part of our lives.

When Silence Has Been Damaging

It's important to acknowledge this: silence can be damaging. It can take us back to places where we weren't spoken to. Where we were reprimanded by the bitter and cruel silence of a disappointed parent. For some people, silence has been a weapon - isolating, cold, perhaps even cruel.

Your relationship with silence may not be as therapeutic as you'd hope. And recognising this is part of the self-awareness work of counselling training.

Whose Discomfort Is It?

After the first skills sessions where we focus on silence, students often come back shaking their heads in disbelief at how difficult it was.

One of the exercises we use: we send pairs off where one person shares an experience while the other person says absolutely nothing for five minutes. What happens? Most people come back with some level of discomfort. Others say, "I couldn't last that long before I had to say something," or "I forgot the task - we just started talking."

All of these responses reveal something about the individual and their experience with remaining silent and paying attention to another person.

And here's the crucial question: when you're sitting with a client and feeling uncomfortable with the silence, whose discomfort are you trying to manage? Theirs, or yours?

Very quickly, what starts as wanting to help the client becomes about managing your own feelings. You're jumping in with questions, not because the client needs you to, but because you need to feel useful, valuable, like you're doing something impactful.

Why Silence Matters

So if silence is so uncomfortable, why use it at all? Why is it an important factor in therapy?

Nancy Kline, in her book The Promise That Changes Everything, talks about the art of not interrupting. I particularly like that phrase as a different frame for seeing this element of therapy.

The art of not interrupting the other person.

What's Happening During Silence

Your client may be in thought. Maybe thinking about something else. Maybe reflecting. Maybe sitting with difficult feelings they're struggling to understand.

That processing time - the time to reflect, to think, to pay attention to something we don't often pay attention to - is powerfully valuable.

Consider for a moment: we often live our lives at a thousand miles an hour. Even if we live slower than that, there's a high chance we live in very automated ways. Our brains are designed to do this - to filter out what's crucial and focus on what we need to maintain our survival. We make assumptions to make life easier because there's too much to process if we see everything fresh for the first time.

Because we're going at this speed, in this automatic way of being, we can very much miss key aspects of our experience.

Therapy is about slowing that down. Wait a minute, just hold that for a little bit longer. What did you mean by that? What are you noticing there?

Silence becomes a way of slowing down. Of noticing what we're experiencing, or what we did experience. Really paying attention to those feelings and emotions. That silence is a space for us to be able to pay attention and listen - without interrupting - and actually notice what we're going through.

That is why silence is helpful. It gives us the space and time to sit and think and feel, when we're often unable to - either because of life or because of the issues within us.

The Invitation of Silence

The invitation with silence is to see that space as therapeutic. It can be a place where the client is able to connect with their own feelings. To really pay attention to those aspects of themselves they too frequently neglect.

In that silence, the client may not see what they're going through in the moment, but they will experience something. Or at least be closer to the experience. They're able to witness themselves, witness their feelings, and work through some of those difficult feelings at the same time.

When Silence Isn't Helpful

Now, let's be clear: there is unhelpful silence - where you're simply holding silence for the reason of holding silence, not out of thoughtfulness regarding the client and what they're going through.

As I mentioned, silence can be something that's been weaponised in the past. Children use silence as protest. Parents or caregivers use silence to punish. So we have to be attentive to that. Silence can feel isolating and cold.

It's about really paying attention - and this links back to empathy - to see when silence feels appropriate and when it doesn't.

How to Stay With Silence

So what are you going to do about it? Silence isn't going away. It's part of the training, part of our courses, and rightly should be. So how do you approach sessions in a way that works through the discomfort?

Step 1: Notice Your Own Response

One of the greatest learnings you can have on counselling courses is recognizing how much you impact the therapeutic space. Observation of your feelings is crucial.

Don't notice with judgment. Don't tell yourself you should be different or that you're getting it wrong. Simply say: I am noticing I am having a reaction here.

Notice it inside yourself and, as best you can, lay it to one side so that by the end of the session you can note it down for later reflection.

Step 2: Do the Inner Work

After the session, ask yourself: What was going on for me in there? What was I finding difficult with the silence? What does silence mean to me?

These questions are crucial because you're getting a better sense of yourself. Think deeper into that feeling. What does it mean? Where does it come from? How often does it turn up in your other interactions and relationships? Because it will be there too.

When it comes up again in future sessions, you'll know: Ah, I know why this is here. I know that. I can set it to one side and attend to it after. And now I'm closer and more connected to my client.

Step 3: Observe the Client's Body Language

One way to cope with discomfort during silence is to read the client's body language. You're not sat there in silence staring at them. You're there observing. Noticing what you may see.

Does their breathing look like it's increased? Where are their eyes moving? Have they fidgeted? Have they moved? What's their physical posture like?

Pay attention to these physical signals. This helps you understand they're going through something, and it helps you deal with some of the silence as you witness their inner reflection.

Step 4: Distinguish Between Types of Silence

Through observation, experience, and practice, you'll improve your sense of what is productive, reflective silence versus when a client feels stuck and unable to move their thoughts forward.

When you notice the difference, you're more able to support your client.

For stuck silences, you might offer a neutral reflection: "You seem to be really struggling there." Or, "I notice we've been quiet for a moment."

Very non-judgmental. Non-accusatory. Respectful. Simply reflecting what you witness. Making no demands on the other person. No expectations to fill the space. Just a gentle observation.

Step 5: Trust the Process

One of the phrases I like is "trusting the process." Students can struggle with how much they need to do, get right, remember - all the techniques, skills, questions, confidentiality, empathy.

But one of the things we grow within our courses is the attitudinal shift: those things aren't as required as they seem at first.

If you can begin to recognise that each individual has their own way of processing how they're feeling - their own interpretations, their own journey, incredibly different for every person - then you start to see that where anyone is at is their journey, not yours.

The silence begins to dissolve. Because you're not thinking about interrupting anymore. You're thinking about respecting the other person and what they're going through.

Their process may not be clean or linear. It could be messy and jump around. But that's their process. We're recognizing and respecting that how someone processes their feelings is individual to them. How they encounter their world is individual to them.

We are blessed witnesses who have been invited into that person's world. They are showing us their world. And that also means showing us their silence.

Step 6: Remember Whose Session It Is

This is the client's session. Not yours. They have confirmed and agreed to time spent looking at themselves, their material, their issues. How they want to use the time is completely on them. It is their responsibility.

We are responsible for what we offer. The space in between is there for the client to step into and take responsibility for their own material.

Trusting the process and trusting the dynamic of the relationship hopefully allows you to sit back a little further from the silence and not see it as threatening, but see it as therapeutic.

Where to Take Your Discomfort

As you work through your discomfort with silence, here's where you can take it:

Personal therapy is invaluable for this work. Your own therapy can help you explore where your discomfort comes from, what silence means to you, and how it shows up in other areas of your life.

Supervision (for those progressing to qualification) is also appropriate. Your difficulty with sitting with silence can be explored both in supervision and in personal therapy.

Practices to Try

Beyond your course work, here are some ways to practice:

• The 5-minute listening exercise: Practice listening to someone for five minutes without interrupting

• Notice in everyday life: How long does it take before you feel the need to interrupt or add something? Where might that be coming from?

• Self-inquiry: Ask yourself about your desire to interrupt, get things right, fill space, feel useful

This is that continual, rolling self-development and self-awareness that's crucial in our courses. We're not here simply to learn skills. We're passionate about the attitude, the understanding that sits inside this. This is not simply the skills - this is the philosophy, the thinking, the approach we find most favourable for another person to feel heard and understood within their own discomfort, their own pain, their own distress.

The Final Word on Silence

We need to look at our own discomfort with silence and where it may have come from. Our desire to interrupt, get things right, fill the space, feel useful - all of that is worth self-inquiry.

When you take it forward, look at it, and understand yourself better, you'll find the answer to the question of why silence feels so uncomfortable.

With that understanding, you can realize that maybe not all of it needed to be true. And actually, silence need not be something we fear. It can be something we find favourable.

Silence, approached with the right attitude - one of respect, non-judgment, and trust - becomes one of the most powerful tools in your therapeutic work. Not because you're doing something, but because you're creating space for your client to truly be with themselves.

And that is the art of not interrupting.

Ready to Deepen Your Practice?

If you're navigating the challenges of CPCAB Level 2 - learning to sit with silence, trust the process, and develop the self-awareness that underpins great therapeutic work - you're doing exactly what you need to do. These uncomfortable moments are where the real learning happens.

When you're ready to progress to CPCAB Level 3, where you'll continue developing these attitudinal qualities in supervised practice with real clients, we'd love to support your journey. Our approach values the inner work, the self-awareness, and the philosophical understanding that makes counselling truly transformative.

About The School of Counselling

The School of Counselling is a CPCAB-approved training centre specialising in person-centred counselling training. We support students through their journey from Level 2 through to qualified practice, with experienced tutors who understand the real challenges of counselling training. We're committed to creating a supportive, reflective learning environment where you can develop both your skills and your self-awareness - because we believe the attitudinal qualities are just as important as the techniques.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why does silence feel so uncomfortable in counselling?

Silence feels uncomfortable because it often triggers our own issues around not doing enough, not being useful, or past experiences where silence was used negatively. We live in an automatic, fast-paced way, and silence forces us to slow down and sit with discomfort - both ours and the client's. The discomfort is usually more about managing our own anxiety than about the client's needs.

What is happening during silence in a counselling session?

During therapeutic silence, clients are often processing, reflecting, connecting with feelings, or sitting with difficult emotions. Silence creates space to slow down from automatic living and really pay attention to their internal experience. It's the "art of not interrupting" that allows clients to witness themselves and work through feelings at their own pace.

How can I tell if silence is helpful or unhelpful?

Helpful silence feels reflective - the client may be processing, and their body language suggests internal work is happening. Unhelpful silence feels stuck - the client seems unable to move forward, or silence is being held mechanically without attention to what the client needs. Observing body language and staying attuned to the client helps you distinguish between the two.

What should I do when silence feels uncomfortable?

First, notice your own response without judgment. Recognise that the discomfort is information about you, not necessarily about the client. Observe the client's body language to stay connected to their process. If needed, offer a gentle, non-judgmental reflection like "I notice we've been quiet for a moment" or "You seem to be sitting with something difficult there."

How do I learn to be more comfortable with silence?

Build your tolerance gradually through practice, self-awareness work, and personal therapy. Notice what silence brings up for you and where that comes from. Practice the 5-minute listening exercise. Take your discomfort to supervision and therapy. Most importantly, shift from thinking about silence as something you must manage to seeing it as therapeutic space you're offering with respect and trust in the client's process.

For more on therapeutic silence and listening skills, see BACP's article What it really means to be non-directive and UKCP's How to be a better listener.