How to Stop Your Own Stuff Getting in the Way of Counselling

Your own feelings will show up in counselling sessions. Learn how to recognise when your stuff is getting in the way, why it matters, and practical ways to work with it.

If you're training in counselling, here's something you need to know: your own feelings, experiences, and personal history will show up in sessions. Not might - will.

This isn't a sign you're doing it wrong. It's not something to feel guilty about. It's simply the reality of being a human being doing deeply relational work.

But here's the challenge: most Level 2 students don't realise this at first. They arrive on the course thinking they'll focus on the other person, assuming they can remain somehow neutral or separate. And then something happens in a session - a story that resonates, a feeling that gets triggered, a situation that touches their own history - and suddenly, without even realising it, their own stuff is taking up space.

The question isn't if your stuff will get in the way. The question is: can you recognise it when it does? And once you do, what can you do about it?

First: Recognising You Have Stuff

Before we can talk about stopping your stuff from getting in the way, we need to take a step back. Because the first challenge is simply this: recognising that you have stuff, and that it will get in the way.

This can be one of the most challenging aspects of CPCAB Level 2. Looking at yourself and saying, "Oh. Those things that happened to me in life - actually, maybe they weren't okay. Maybe they had a deeper impact on me than I realised. And maybe they're showing up now in ways I don't even see."

When people say "I'm fine, I'm okay, I don't need to self-reflect," when they believe they know themselves well enough already, it can be quite revealing - or even exposing - to think that parts of their lives maybe weren't as great as they'd hoped. Or that they'd somehow parceled things away mentally, believing they'd been metabolised well enough to not be disruptive.

And yet those things will be there, sitting in your system. As we discussed in our post about empathy, your own material can block empathic connection. As we explored with confidentiality, it can influence how you help and support someone. Your stuff is there, whether you see it yet or not.

What Does It Look Like When Your Stuff Shows Up?

Here's the challenging answer: it will look invisible.

It will look invisible because you don't know it's there until you begin to look. And then it becomes difficult to unsee.

Common Triggers

What might trigger your stuff during a session? Really, anything that touches on your own material. But here are some common ones:

The need to fix or solve. This may be a reaction to the difficulty of hearing someone's distress and what that evokes inside you. Their strong feelings evoke your strong feelings, and suddenly you're in fixer mode - offering solutions, telling them what to do, trying to ease the situation.

This can look helpful on the surface, but it's actually getting in the way of really getting to the heart of what's going on for the other person.

Over-identifying. "Oh, I know exactly how that feels." When relationships come up - a common trigger - students often jump in with their own experiences. This can evoke a range of responses: fixing, resolving, offering objective-focused answers.

But here's what's really happening: you're making assumptions that override the person's unique individual experience with your own. Maybe because it's actually too difficult to listen to them, and you need to make a mental shortcut to make it more bearable for you.

Placating or soothing. Trying to make it not look so bad. Easing it. "It's not that terrible, really. Things could be worse." Again, this might look kind, but it's about managing your discomfort with their distress.

Diversion. The very thing the person wants to talk about becomes too difficult for you to listen to, for a range of reasons. So you divert. You move away and focus on something else.

Feeling incapable. A student may feel they can't help someone because they haven't gone through the same experience. This can lead to solution-focused responses, diverting, or changing the subject.

How Students Typically Respond

Students often don't recognise it's happening. It's invisible until we begin to notice it. And we have to be incredibly gentle and careful when we start noticing these things. It's not always easy to look at ourselves and say, "Wait a minute. I don't think that part of my upbringing was okay. I think it may have left me with a particular way of being."

When you say "I know exactly what you mean," you're making an assumption that's very convenient - it allows you to override the person's unique experience with your own. When you jump to fixing, placating, or diverting, you've transcended the therapeutic space into a more directive one. You've lost the space of respect, and there's now judgment implicit in your response: "I don't believe you can handle this, so I'm going to tell you what to do."

Resonating Without Making It About You

Now, here's an important distinction: there's a difference between resonating with someone and making it about yourself.

When we notice those reactions, those triggers coming up, we can recognise: that's my stuff. That's a me thing. And we can hold onto that awareness without bringing it forward into the conversation, without making it a disclosure in the therapeutic space.

Recognising we've had similar experiences is important. We can harness our own feelings as a way to empathise further, to understand more deeply. But when we shift into "I know what that means - you must go and do this," we've now lost the plot. We're no longer in a therapeutic space.

Why Identifying Your Own Feelings Matters

So why is it so important to identify your own feelings during a session?

Feelings Are Information

Your feelings are waypoints. They're information that helps you understand what may be going on—not just for yourself, but potentially for the other person too.

Here's an example: I was once working with a client and realised I was working really hard in the session. I was doing more talking than I was comfortable with. When I reflected on this, I realised it may have been typical for the client to have a lot of people dictate, tell, explain, or allow the other person to take the lead, rather than determining the topic themselves.

They were waiting to be led, and I was leading

This insight allowed me to deal with that separately in supervision, but it also allowed me to step further back in the session so there was space for the client to fill with the things they wanted to share.

That is why it's important to recognise our own feelings. Not only to get ourselves out of the way, but also as a way of informing the session, of understanding the client's world.

Some terms worth researching: transference and countertransference. These describe aspects where parts of ourselves are interlaced with the other person—we react from their position, they react from ours. We get caught in each other's loops. This sits with later progressions in the courses, perhaps Level 3, but it's worth being aware of.

Suppressing Doesn't Work

It's important to highlight: suppressing feelings is not what we're looking to do here. We're looking to draw attention to those feelings, to become aware of them, in order to work through them better.

Because they're there. They will leak out. How we speak, how we sit, our posture, the types of questions we ask - as we discussed in the empathy blog, it's the attitude and qualities, the ones which are unconscious, that will leak out through tone, through questions, through listening.

With increased awareness, we're able to put feelings to one side, give greater attention to the individual, and maybe, if necessary, use the information as a way to better inform and understand the relationship.

Self-Awareness Is the Foundation

Self-awareness is that foundational core that begins in Level 2 and continues all the way through to qualification and beyond.

On Level 2, we're looking to gently inquire with curiosity, interest, and non-judgment: What may be going on for us? What parts of our histories, our relationships, our personality could be impacting our work?

They're going to be there. We need to begin to look at them and better understand ourselves.

This can be challenging. It can require emotional vulnerability when you share with the group, when you begin to reflect on your relationships in the past and how you've been within those relationships. Realising that now you're aware of something, it becomes a pain point that was maybe tucked out of the way but was always there.

But here's what's important: this is also an example of what counselling can be like. The way we operate is very much a scaled mirror of a client and counsellor relationship. We're doing it within the learning, within the training. You're beginning to recognise internal motivations that are available to look at if needed.

When Feelings Go Unexamined

If feelings exist without being examined, we go into placater roles, fixer roles, diversions - and the other person feels alone with the very feelings they thought they could come and share.

There's something quite harmful about the idea that someone is being vulnerable, exposing parts of themselves, and then they're not heard by someone who should be able to hear. It adds another level of wound that may connect with other wounds from their history.

The importance cannot be understated.

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Practical Strategies: Notice, Note, and Work Through

So what are the practical strategies that help you notice your feelings arising and then set them aside to stay focused on the helpee?

During the Course: Gentle Inquiry

We actively look at our histories, our relationships, and our personality. We inquire with curiosity and interest: What may have been going on for us in those moments? What could have been influencing us? What events in our lives have left us with a particular belief about something or someone?

The group is able to share some of their pasts, histories, relationships in a way that allows learning from each other.

After Skills Sessions: Notice and Note

After the skills sessions you do in every lesson, take a few seconds - maybe a minute -just to note down what you noticed. What feelings did you have? What emotions came up?

Perhaps you can't label it yet. Maybe you just notice there were particular feelings, or a sensation you can't put words around, but you did experience something. That's helpful.

If you review the session and notice you went into fixing mode or offering solutions, note that down too.

Then return to it later and reflect with the question: I wonder what's going on for me. I wonder what's happening in those moments.

We're looking to create internal checks with curiosity, interest, and non-judgment.

Post-Session Reflection and Journaling

Post-session reflection and journaling can be incredibly useful. If you capture things in your journal, you'll get a sense of patterns, and this gives you material to work with.

Personal Therapy

If appropriate, personal therapy is a great place to work through any of this stuff that comes up. Once you've captured things in your journals, you'll be able to talk about them with your therapist.

But again: recognise it's there, note it for next time, talk about it in your journal - and then get back to focusing on the client and what they're going through. Make them the absolute focus of the session.

In the Moment: The Mental Act of Parking It

What do you do in the moment when you realise you've been triggered? When you notice your stuff is showing up?

Acknowledge it internally. Ah, that's me. That's my stuff.

Mentally park it. You're not suppressing it - you're setting it aside to deal with later. You're making a conscious choice to refocus on the client.

Gently bring focus back. You might take a breath, refocus on what they're saying, ask an open question that centres them again.

This Is Ongoing Work

Here's something crucial to understand: this gets easier with practice, but it never fully goes away.

This is the ongoing work. This is the nature of the role - to look at what's going on for us. It's far more useful, far more interesting to do that piece of work (often challenging, nonetheless) to better understand ourselves, to increase our self-awareness, to allow more congruency, and to connect with the client in a meaningful way.

Once we realise what triggers us, where those triggers come from, we're better able to remove them or move them to one side, allowing space for the client - which is, indeed, what we're here for.

It may feel messy and awkward and painful at times. And yet the benefits of looking at yourself are categorical. It allows you to know yourself better, notice what may be going on, learn more about yourself - and importantly, it allows you to connect with the client, with how they're feeling and what's going on for them.

The Subtle Challenges

Students on Level 2 often feel they'll be triggered by the most obvious things - topics commonly held as difficult to listen to. But that isn't often the real challenge.

The greatest challenge is the subtle one. A little bit of a reaction comes up that you weren't aware of. The client discloses something you weren't prepared for. It's not the big things that affect us - it's sometimes the little things.

Be mindful of all of those. Affirm, non-judgmentally: Of course there are things there. You're a human being with a life.

We look to better understand ourselves, and we look to better understand others. And that is the unseen part of counselling often - the amount of work that goes on behind the scenes, the things we take away, the things we hold, in order to create space for our clients to work through their issues.

You Are Not Neutral

Here's the truth: we are not agnostic or neutral. We are an active ingredient.

And we can use this activity, this active ingredient, for the betterment and beneficence of the client.

Your feelings, your history, your experiences - they're not problems to eliminate. They're part of being human, part of being in relationship. The work is to recognise them, understand them, work through them, and use them wisely.

That's the ongoing journey of being a counsellor. And it begins here, in Level 2, with gentle inquiry, curiosity, and a willingness to look at yourself with honesty and compassion.

Ready to Continue Your Journey?

If you're navigating CPCAB Level 2 and discovering just how much self-awareness work is involved in becoming a counsellor, you're exactly where you need to be. This inner work - recognising your stuff, working through it, using it wisely - is what separates someone who uses counselling skills from someone who truly embodies therapeutic presence.

When you're ready to progress to CPCAB Level 3, where you'll deepen this self-awareness through supervised practice with real clients, we'd love to support your journey. Our approach values the ongoing inner work that makes counselling transformative for both client and counsellor.

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About The School of Counselling

The School of Counselling is a CPCAB-approved training centre specialising in person-centred counselling training. We support students through their journey from Level 2 through to qualified practice, with experienced tutors who understand that counselling isn't just about learning skills—it's about the deep inner work of understanding yourself. We're committed to creating a supportive, reflective learning environment where self-awareness, honesty, and compassion are valued as much as technique.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know when my own stuff is getting in the way during a counselling session?

Your own stuff shows up when you feel the urge to fix, solve, soothe, or divert. It appears when you say "I know exactly what you mean" or when you feel uncomfortable with what the client is sharing. Physical cues include tension, fidgeting, or feeling like you're working too hard. The key is developing the awareness to notice these reactions as they happen - recognising "that's my stuff" rather than assuming it's about the client.

Is it bad to have feelings during a counselling session?

No. Having feelings is inevitable and not a problem. You're a human being in relationship with another human being. The issue isn't having feelings; it's whether those feelings go unrecognised and then take over the session. Your feelings are information, waypoints that can help you understand both yourself and potentially what the client is experiencing. The work is to notice them, understand them, and use them wisely.

What should I do when I realise I've been triggered mid-session?

First, acknowledge it internally: "Ah, that's me. That's my stuff." Then mentally park it - you're not suppressing it, you're consciously setting it aside to deal with later. Take a breath, refocus on what the client is saying, and gently bring the focus back to them with an open question. After the session, note it down for reflection, journaling, supervision, or personal therapy.

How can I tell the difference between empathy and making it about me?

Empathy means you're using your understanding of similar feelings to connect more deeply with the client's unique experience - staying curious about how it is for them. Making it about you means you've shifted into "I know exactly what that's like" and started offering your own story, solutions, or interpretations based on your experience rather than theirs. If you're talking more than listening, or directing rather than exploring, you've likely crossed the line.

Will I ever stop having my own stuff come up in sessions?

No, and that's okay. This is ongoing work that continues throughout your entire career as a counsellor. What changes is your awareness of it and your ability to recognise it, work with it, and set it aside. The goal isn't to become neutral or eliminate your humanness - it's to understand yourself well enough that your stuff doesn't unknowingly take over the therapeutic space. Self-awareness is a lifelong practice, not a destination.