When to Ask Questions in Counselling (And When to Stay Quiet)

Learn when to ask questions in counselling and when to stay quiet. Practical guidance for CPCAB Level 2 students on open vs closed questions.

If you're training at CPCAB Level 2, you'll notice something about questions: they feel safer than silence. Safer than allowing another person to feel whatever they're feeling. Safer than sitting with discomfort.

Questions are funny things. How they're perceived, how they're used. Students often believe asking lots of questions shows engagement, interest, expertise. But questions reveal more about the helper than the helpee.

Let's explore what drives students to ask so many questions, the crucial difference between open and closed questions, and when questions actually serve the helpee versus serving your own discomfort.

Why Students Ask So Many Questions

There's a belief that getting lots of information is important. It feels like an archaeological dig. Keep pulling away at the dirt, trying to find what's underneath. Keep seeking it out.

Students think this is what counsellors do: ask lots of questions. But the quality of the question is crucial. More importantly, you need to examine why you're asking questions at all.

This links directly back to what we've discussed about putting your own stuff to one side. You need to look at your intentions with asking questions. What are you looking to get from it?

Your preferences, your focus, your perceptions influence the quality and type of question you ask. They will be there, whether you notice them or not.

Filling the Uncomfortable Space

When you don't know what to say next, you ask a question. When there's silence, you feel you need to fill the air. Give them lots of questions so they'll keep talking.

As we explored in our post about silence, you might feel that if they're silent, it's a bad thing. You need to do something. A question feels like doing something.

To some degree, asking questions shows you're looking to understand the person. But at Level 2, those questions are typically about information gathering rather than listening to the experience of the individual. There's a difference.

Students use questions to fill uncomfortable silences they're feeling. In filling the space with a question, something is being served. Often it's the helper struggling with difficult feelings they're going through.

The Need to Perform

You feel you need to perform. You need to show you're doing it right, doing it perfectly. Questions feel like proof you're doing something.

There's a real presence in thinking you need to demonstrate your doing. "I need to show I'm active, engaged, working." That's misleading, though understandable in the early days when you're learning what a counselling session is and how to hold it.

There's another layer: the feeling you need to move the conversation forward. You've got to take it somewhere, to a destination. You're fearful if it's not going anywhere.

This goes back to silence. What happens if there is silence? What happens if you don't fill the space? What happens if the helpee doesn't fill the space? What happens if they say they don't know and you get derailed?

What happens to you inside this?

You're witnessing what you as the helper are going through. Your own stuff. That's what's driving those questions.

The Subtle Direction

Questions subtly direct the conversation for the helpee in a direction you feel is appropriate, but maybe not where they want to go. There's a range of questions that aren't helpful, that get in the way, that witness your preferences for the direction of the conversation. As we discussed about staying in the role in a recent post.

This happens even with qualified counsellors. It just gets less noticed.

All these combined things (dealing with silence, the feeling you need to perform, the need to feel the conversation's going somewhere, the belief you need to get information) are more to do with your discomfort than the helpee's needs.

Maybe there's a connotation that more questions equals better counselling. But what about the quality of the questions? What are you asking? Why are you asking? For what intention?

These are the things you need to ask yourself before you ask questions.

The Veiled Advice

Here's an example: "Have you thought of this?"

You're now giving advice that hasn't been requested, using a question to do it. You're being directive. You're framing things in a particular way. You're taking autonomy away from the individual. You're creating hierarchy and authority. "I'm suggesting something to you."

All of a sudden, you're disbanding the relationship into a different relationship. Not a counselling one.

Questions feel safer than silence. Questions feel safer than allowing the other person to feel whatever they're feeling and watching how that plays out for you.

Ultimately, you might feel your role is to alleviate someone's distress. Not to be with them through their distress. Therefore, you have to be doing something. Otherwise you're being unhelpful.

That's a big part of why people ask questions.

Open vs Closed Questions (And What Actually Helps)

Let me start with the most important question first: when do questions serve the helpee versus serving your discomfort?

Questions serve the helpee when they help them expand and explore further their own experiencing of the situation, issues, or emotions. If it aids them to examine, to become more aware of their process and what's contributing to the situation or whatever's coming up from their phenomenal experience, then questions have importance.

When questions simply inquire because of your own personal interests as a helper, you begin to make shifts in the role and dynamics that are unhelpful.

Primarily, the question is: to whom is this beneficial?

The answer needs to be: for the helpee. Particularly at Level 2.

What Are Open Questions?

An open question helps the person expand. It helps them explore further what they're going through.

There aren't clear, defined expectations of answer within the question. It's open. It's abstract. It's free form for the individual to fill with what they wish, to respond in their own fashion.

It encourages openness. It sets fewer limits, fewer guardrails. It has freedom for the individual to answer in their own way.

Examples of open questions:

• "What was it like?"

• "How did you manage to get through that?"

• "Tell me more about what you experienced."

You've identified a broad context to sit the question inside, but there's no specification of what has to be answered or how it needs to be answered. It leaves a lot of space open for how it gets explored by the individual.

The freedom to explore and answer in their own way. This connects to autonomy and agency of the individual in their own sessions.

The question invites the individual to fill it with their own answers and their own way of responding.

What Are Closed Questions?

Closed questions are more restrictive. They only allow limited answers that don't tend to open up exploration. They become binary.

Closed questions tend to require yes or no answers.

Examples of closed questions:

• "Are you feeling cold today?"

• "Was it easy to get here today?"

• "Did you enjoy your weekend?"

These predominantly require yes or no answers. A yes or no would be sufficient to answer it.

Someone could add more, could explore further. But the question invites them not to. It allows the person responding to avoid going any further.

Why Closed Questions Are Problematic

Closed questions shut down further explanation. They allow the respondent to avoid going any further.

That's important because sometimes we need to go places we're actually wanting to avoid. The role of the counsellor at times is to go to sensitive places that are being avoided. But closed questions make that harder.

Also, the helper has to work quite hard because now they're answering and asking more questions. That adds more pressure to a Level 2 student. You feel like you've got to ask the next question. You get into a loop of closed question scenarios. You need to be mindful of that.

The Purpose of Open Questions

If we take the premise that to explore and further identify our own experiencing of a situation, issue, or interaction, we need to populate it with language that is our own.

We need to find language that matches and maps well into that experiencing. Through this definition of experience, the individual better understands what they're going through.

This is far better done through their own words than through the words of the counsellor.

An open question educates and supports an individual's self-exploration through their own terms, their own language, their own direction. It also reveals what they'll share and what they may avoid sharing.

But it allows for far more discussion and discovery.

The Critical Check-In

You still have to go back to the fundamental point: check in about what intention you have for asking this question.

Why are you asking a "how" question or a "what" question or a "when" question? Or "tell me more" questions?

What's the intention here?

Those words may be just dressing around your own veiled desires to know more information than is necessary.

It's important you have this process of checking in with your own material, what's going on for you, how that's being evoked in those conversations, watching out for it.

Through self-examination, through watching out for what's happening to you, you ask questions from genuine curiosity and interest compared to any sense of anxiety you're experiencing.

That's the most telling part.

Any type of question becomes detrimental when it's your agenda rather than theirs, when your needs are being met rather than theirs.

When Questions Help and When They Hinder

The Timing of Questions

There's no formula that sits comfortably with this. It's very much the natural flow of the conversation.

There may be a natural opportunity to ask a question that feels relevant to the moment, to the situation. But don't rush into doing that. Don't rush into putting a question there until you've audited it for your own stuff and how relevant it is.

This is where you look to increase your sensory acuity. The individual not talking doesn't mean they're not processing.

Respecting the individual's silence as they may be thinking or reflecting is crucial.

Silence may be processing time for the helpee that's deeply valuable rather than pumping up the conversation with another question, whether closed or open.

You have to be mindful of the individual, what they're going through, paying attention to that. The body language. The signals they're beginning to give off.

There's sensitivity on the part of the helper to look at questions that maintain the direction of exploration and the experiencing of the individual rather than moving it somewhere else.

With experience, this gets managed. But at Level 2, what you're looking for is trying to make sure you stay and follow. You trace the direction the helpee is going through, making sure anything you ask looks to further explore that, to better understand the experience of the other person.

How might you enable that and support that? How might questions do that?

You're always looking for exploration.

The Power Dynamic

If you start asking questions, especially closed ones, you're shutting down the conversation, creating hierarchy, reducing autonomy of the individual. Now you're asking questions to which the other person responds.

That mirrors many other interactions where they're being interrogated. By a doctor, by a friend, by a loved one. All of a sudden the dynamic has shifted away from what it should be as a therapeutic space to one that feels familiar: someone being dictatorial, directive, authoritative.

That's counterintuitive to what you're looking to do as therapists and counsellors.

Staying Within Their Frame

Staying within the frame of the individual is crucial at all times with any questions.

Make sure language is appropriate to where you're going. Make sure it continues to expand on their experiencing and develops greater understanding of what they're going through, helping them understand what they're going through as well.

Staying in their frame of reference throughout these things is important.

Think about the difference between these two questions:

"What do you think about that?" versus "Have you considered doing X?"

One asks the individual to evaluate themselves and reflect on their own process in a non-judgemental way. The other is judgemental, authoritative, taking agency away from the individual and replacing it with your direction.

People often hear the phrase "Have you considered doing this?" or "You should do this" and it feels very judgemental. It doesn't respect the individual's processing or prize their own process.

Be mindful of watching out for language that limits agency.

Examples of Helpful Questions

Questions that better understand the individual's experiencing of what they're going through, through language familiar to them, through exploration, pushing to deeper levels of acquiring their experience:

• "Tell me more about that."

• "Help me understand how you see it."

• "Can you take me where you are right now with those feelings?"

• "What more can you add to give me a sense of what you went through?"

• "What sensations do you notice when you say that?"

• "How do you cope with situations like that normally?"

• "What do you notice?"

• "Tell me more about that experience."

• "Do you notice something in your body when you express that situation?"

• "What's it like for you when you go through that situation?"

These open up explorations of better understanding the individual. From this will lead threads you pull upon to inquire further.

Always manage your own state, making sure it doesn't impose or become directive.

Examples of Unhelpful Questions

Questions that reveal your agenda, reduce autonomy, or direct the conversation:

• "I want to know more about that." (About you, not them)

• "Tell me which time you felt you did this better." (Judgement)

• "Have you tried doing this before?" (Advice hidden in question)

• "What kind of solutions have you found useful?" (Problem-solving mode)

• "Can you come up with three different ways of handling that situation?" (Directive task-setting)

• "Do you think you did well there?" (Judgement)

• "I'm really proud of what you did." (Your evaluation, not exploration)

• "Do you often feel this way?" (Information gathering for you)

• "You've gone quiet. Do you feel there's anything left to say?" (Pressure to fill silence)

These give a sense of what's unhelpful. At the end of the day, what matters is attending to the curiosity required in questions.

Better understand the other person's experience. Become curious for them to identify through language and sensations what they're going through. Be curious to know more about what they're experiencing and how they experience it.

Look to get inside their world. These things should be driving questions, if you need to use them at all.

The More Powerful Alternatives

Remember that questions are one of many options for developing rapport, relationship, and connection with your helpee.

Reflection, paraphrasing, silence: these things are as vital, if not more important.

They offer greater levels of abstractness and greater levels of abstract response. They leave space for the other individual to take up if they wish. That's powerful.

Questions still have guardrails around them. Reflection is so broad, so lacking in imposition from the helper, that it's wonderful.

Silence is also a lack of imposition. Paraphrasing has some imposition in that you're using your own words to demonstrate understanding of the meaning of what someone's sharing.

But when you have that expansion of space, when you leave it open, it's fascinating to see what someone will fill it with. There is often where a lot of work gets found.

I would favour a student who uses reflection, paraphrasing, and silence throughout the session over one who uses questions.

I'd rather you master those things before you master questions. Not because questions aren't useful, but because there's an artistry to master when it comes to using those other qualities and skills as a counsellor.

They offer something that's far more liberating for both the helper and the helpee.

The Role of Feedback

As we discussed in our post about listening skills, when you have skill sessions with three people (client, counsellor, observer), the observer is great at noticing when closed questions accidentally leak in, or when open questions maybe aren't as open as you want them to be, or when questions don't explore deeper in the way that would be useful.

Just feedback, observations to share with the person in the helper role.

Trusting the Process

If we loop this back to the biggest aspect: as you grow in Level 2 and beyond into Level 3 and 4, the more you trust in reflection and paraphrasing and silence (and a little more in some appropriate questions), the more you begin to trust the process of the individual.

You'll learn more about them and see them experience themselves as well. You begin to recognise their capacity as a human being to process, to understand themselves.

For you to be witnessing that is amazing.

That's a trusting process that takes time. It doesn't come automatically or easily. It's one you have to begin to learn for yourself.

You trust the process of the individual to go through whatever they're going through. They will find their own path through it. The best thing you do is get out of their way.

Milton Erickson's Horse Story

Milton Erickson, the renowned clinical hypnotherapist, told a story that captures this beautifully.

A horse bolted from its stable and ran off into the countryside. Eventually, someone found the horse wandering, far from home. This person didn't know where the horse belonged or which stable it had come from.

So they simply got on the horse. They held the reins gently. And they let the horse, now calmed down, find its own pathway back to the stable.

The horse knew where it needed to go. The rider was simply there, present, alongside the horse as it found its way home.

As a helper, you're someone there with the horse, allowing it to self-direct its way back to where it needs to go.

You don't need to be doing a huge amount other than being present to that experience. Being alongside that person as they find their way.

Questions support that. But you have to be mindful how they inhibit it too.

Ready to Progress Your Training?

If you're navigating CPCAB Level 2 and learning to trust reflection and paraphrasing over questions, recognising when questions serve your discomfort rather than the helpee's needs, and beginning to trust the process of the individual to find their own way, you're developing the restraint and wisdom that underpins great therapeutic work.

When you're ready to progress to CPCAB Level 3, where you'll continue this development as a trainee counsellor working with clients in supervised practice, we'd love to support your journey. Our approach values presence over performance, curiosity over information gathering, and trusting the individual's capacity to find their own path.

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About The School of Counselling

The School of Counselling is a CPCAB-approved training centre and BACP member organisation, specialising in person-centred counselling training. We support students through their journey from Level 2 helper skills through to qualified practice, with experienced tutors who understand that questions are one tool among many, and that reflection, paraphrasing, and silence are often more powerful. We're committed to helping you develop the curiosity and restraint that make therapeutic exploration possible.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if I'm asking too many questions in a session?

If feedback from your observer consistently mentions it, pay attention. Check your motivation: are you asking from genuine curiosity about their experience, or from your own discomfort with silence? Are you gathering information for yourself or helping them explore for themselves? If you're asking more than reflecting or paraphrasing, you're probably asking too many. Practice going sessions with minimal questions to develop your comfort with other skills.

What's the difference between open and closed questions?

Open questions invite expansion and exploration with no fixed answer: "What was it like?" "Tell me more about that." Closed questions require yes/no answers and limit expansion: "Did you enjoy that?" "Was it difficult?" Open questions give freedom to answer in their own way and stay in their frame of reference. Closed questions create hierarchy, shut down exploration, and put pressure on you to keep asking more questions.

When should I actually ask a question versus using reflection or silence?

Ask questions when genuinely unclear and needing clarification, or when inviting them to deepen exploration of what they've already shared. Don't rush to ask. Pause and audit: whose need is this meeting? Could reflection or paraphrasing serve better? Is this breaking their processing? Questions should maintain their direction of exploration, not move it somewhere else. When in doubt, favour reflection, paraphrasing, or silence over questions.

Why do questions feel safer than silence or reflection?

Questions feel like doing something, like proof you're engaged and working. Silence or reflection feels passive, like you're not helping. Questions fill uncomfortable space when you don't know what to say next. They give you control over the conversation's direction. But questions often serve your discomfort rather than the helpee's needs. The challenge is learning that being present, reflecting, and staying with silence are active, powerful interventions.

What questions are actually helpful at Level 2?

Questions that help them expand their own experiencing: "What do you notice?" "How do you see it?" "What sensations come up?" "Tell me more about that." Questions from genuine curiosity, not anxiety. Questions that stay in their frame of reference and language. Questions that explore rather than direct. But remember: reflection, paraphrasing, and silence are often more powerful because they leave more space for the individual to fill in their own way.