How to Help Someone Figure Out What They Actually Need
- Ben Jackson
- 15 minutes ago
- 7 min read
Students want to steer clients toward the "real" issue. But counselling means helping people discover their own needs, not identifying needs for them.
Someone sits down across from you in a practice session. They start talking about work drama. Or something that happened on the course. Or a vague sense of dissatisfaction they can't quite name.
And you're sitting there thinking: "This isn't the real issue. Why aren't they getting to what actually matters?"
The frustration builds. You've got limited time. You think you can see what they really need to address. And they're avoiding it, staying on the surface, talking about everything except the thing that's clearly getting in the way.
So you want to steer them. Redirect them. Help them get to the "real" problem.
But that's not your role. And it's not what helps.
The Pull to Lead Them Somewhere
Students in training often arrive with a solution-focused background. HR. Project management. Teaching. Roles where identifying the problem and fixing it quickly is what's valued.
But counselling doesn't live in that frame. And the transition from fixing to facilitating can feel uncomfortable, even pointless.
When someone presents with something that feels surface-level, small, or unclear, the temptation is to guide them toward what you think they should be focusing on. You believe you can see the patterns. The underlying issues. The thing they're not saying.
And maybe you're right. But telling them what you see doesn't help them discover it for themselves.
There's a subtle but crucial difference between identifying needs for someone and helping them identify their own needs. One creates dependency. The other builds autonomy.
When Your Agenda Gets in the Way
The performative pull is strong at Level 2. You feel you need to demonstrate something. Show your skills. Produce an outcome. Make the session go somewhere productive.
But that pressure to perform gets in the way of the process.
If someone wants to talk about surface-level things, that's them being them. And unconditional positive regard means accepting that. Not judging it as a waste of time or redirecting them toward what you think matters more.
Sometimes keeping things at the surface is exactly what someone needs. There's information in that avoidance. You notice it, maybe gently reflect it, but you don't force them deeper.
The fear underneath your frustration is often this: "If I don't guide them, nothing will happen."
But counselling isn't about guiding. It's about creating the conditions for someone to explore freely and discover what they need at their own pace.
Carl Rogers was clear about this. The client is always more expert in being themselves than the counsellor. You have no access to their subjective experience. You learn about their world through listening, not through diagnosing or interpreting.
What It Actually Means to Enable Someone
Enabling someone to identify and focus on their needs is about prioritising their autonomy and agency above everything else.
It means trusting that through the process of being heard, being reflected back to themselves, being met without judgment, they will naturally move toward what matters most.
Rogers spoke about the actualising tendency. The organismic drive toward growth. People don't need you to tell them what they need. They need space to discover it themselves.
And your role is to create that space. Not to fill it with your interpretations.
When you reflect back what you're hearing without adding your spin, when you paraphrase without diagnosing, when you stay curious about their experiencing rather than making sense of it through your lens, you're doing the work.
The act of reflection is powerful. Taking something from the internal and making it external. Letting them hear their own words spoken back to them, unfiltered. That's what helps clarity emerge.
Not your clever insight. Not your theory about what's really going on. Just your presence and your willingness to follow their process wherever it leads.
The Difference Between Process and Performance
At each level of training, we move further away from performance and deeper into process. Level 2 introduces the idea. Level 3 applies it. Level 4 embeds it.
But the shift is uncomfortable because process doesn't come with guaranteed outcomes. You release yourself from needing the session to go somewhere specific.
You let go of the idea that success or failure is dependent on what gets "achieved."
Process means trusting that something is unfolding, even when you can't see where it's going. Even when the person themselves doesn't know what they need yet.
Daniel Kahneman spoke about regression to the mean. No matter how much we're told what to do, we return to our natural resting point. Real change happens when someone decides to move that needle themselves. Not when they're directed by someone else.
That's why honouring the client's capacity to know themselves matters more than your ability to identify what's wrong.
When you believe they know, even if they don't know they know yet, you create space for that knowledge to percolate. You trust the seeds are there. And you wait.
Not passively. But without forcing.
What This Looks Like in Practice
This isn't a skill or a technique. It's an attitude.
An attitude that says: the person across from me is capable of finding their own resources in their own way. And it's irrelevant to their wellbeing for me to intervene with my ideas.
But things still slip through. You ask loaded questions disguised as open ones. "I wonder whether you've thought about doing X?" Sounds non-directive, but it's still leading.
Watch out for those moments. Notice when you're subtly steering. And pull back.
Instead:
Reflect without interpretation
Paraphrase what you're hearing
Ask genuinely open questions that invite exploration, not answers
Follow their energy and interest, not your theory about what's important
Offer summaries only when helpful, not to show you're paying attention
The difference between "It sounds like you need X" and "What do you need?" is everything. One is your subjective offering. The other is open, explorative, and leaves space.
Supervision becomes critical here. You need somewhere to explore when you're leading versus following. When your agenda is getting in the way. When you're projecting your need for the session to go somewhere onto the client.
Personal therapy helps too. Because much of this work is about releasing yourself from what you feel you should be doing and learning to sit with what is.
The Magic in Not Knowing
I've sat with clients as a counsellor and been asked directly: "Is there anything else I should be working on? Any other tools or techniques you think I need?"
And I've said: "I think you're doing everything you need to be doing."
That honesty, that reassurance, opened something. It didn't diminish me as a counsellor. It freed them.
There's something powerful in genuinely not knowing what someone needs and being honest about that. It releases you both from performance. It allows the process to unfold without the weight of expectation.
And ultimately, if the goal is for someone to self-generate this work outside of therapy, your presence within that process has to be minimal. You're enabling their independence, not creating dependency.
You're walking alongside them while they figure out what they need. Not telling them what you think it is.
The Philosophical Shift
This criterion isn't about learning a new skill. It's about embedding a belief system.
A belief that people develop and grow through being heard, not through being fixed. That autonomy matters more than outcomes. That the client's subjective experiencing is more important than your interpretation of it.
Empathy. Unconditional positive regard. Congruence. Staying in role. All of it comes back to this philosophical foundation.
And it takes years to fully integrate. First you have to figure out what your agenda is. Then you have to learn to set it aside. Then you have to sit with the discomfort of not leading, not knowing, not fixing.
But when you do, something shifts. The relationship deepens. The client feels genuinely met. And they move toward what they need in their own time, in their own way.
That's the work. Not steering. Not solving. Just being present while someone discovers what they actually need.
Ready to Go Deeper?
If this person-centred approach resonates with you, our Level 3 Certificate in Counselling Studies takes this work much further. You'll develop the skills to hold ambiguity, deepen relational practice, and move fully from performance into process.
Our courses emphasise self-awareness, reflective practice, and creating the conditions for genuine therapeutic change. Small cohorts. Qualified counsellor tutors. An approach that values who you're becoming, not just what you're learning.
Find out more about Level 3 at The School of Counselling.
About The School of Counselling
The School of Counselling is a CPCAB-approved online training provider offering Level 2, Level 3, and Level 4 counselling courses. Our person-centred approach emphasises self-awareness, reflective practice, and creating the conditions for genuine therapeutic relationships. We work with small cohorts, qualified counsellor tutors, and an international student body, ensuring you're supported every step of the way.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if the person I'm working with won't talk about anything meaningful?
That's information. Notice it. Maybe gently reflect what you're observing. But don't force them deeper. Staying on the surface might be exactly what they need right now. Your job isn't to make them go somewhere. It's to create space for them to explore freely.
How do I know if I'm leading or following?
Notice when you feel frustrated that they're not getting to the "real" issue. That frustration is yours, not theirs. If you're trying to steer them toward something you think they should focus on, you're leading. If you're curious about where they want to go, you're following.
What if I genuinely think I know what they need?
You might be right. But telling them doesn't help them discover it themselves. Real change happens when someone moves that needle on their own, not when they're directed by someone else. Trust the process. Let them arrive at it in their own time.
Isn't it a waste of time to let them talk about surface-level things?
No. Everything is material. If someone keeps conversations at the surface, there's something to learn from that. And unconditional positive regard means accepting where they are, not judging it as insufficient or redirecting them toward what you think matters more.
How do I handle the discomfort of not knowing where the session is going?
That's your discomfort, not the client's. Sit with it. Notice it. Bring it to supervision. This is part of moving from performance to process. You're not there to produce an outcome. You're there to be present while someone explores at their own pace.
