How to Give Feedback Without Being a Dick About It

Giving feedback is awkward. You don't want to hurt feelings or sound judgemental. Here's how to be honest, specific, and kind all at once.

Giving feedback to your peers is uncomfortable. You don't want to hurt their feelings. You don't want to sound judgemental. You don't want to come across like you think you're better than them.

So you either say vague, meaningless things ("You did well!") or you deliver a checklist of everything they did wrong. Neither helps.

Here's the problem: most people give feedback the way they've received it. And for most people, feedback has always felt like criticism. So they project that onto others. They worry about upsetting someone because feedback upset them.

But feedback doesn't have to be harsh. And it doesn't have to be vague. It can be honest, specific, and kind. All at the same time.

You just need to know what you're actually trying to do.

Why Giving Feedback Feels So Awkward

The struggle with giving feedback usually comes down to your own experience of receiving it.

If feedback has always felt like criticism, you'll project that onto the person you're giving it to. You'll assume they'll feel hurt, judged, or defensive. So you'll either avoid saying anything difficult, or you'll be overly apologetic, or you'll couch everything in so much gentle language that they have no idea what you're actually trying to say.

Or you'll do the opposite. You'll be blunt. Direct. "I'm just being honest." But honesty without care is just brutality. And that's not helpful either.

The fear of upsetting someone becomes the very thing that makes your feedback unhelpful. You're so focused on avoiding criticism that you don't give them anything meaningful to work with.

And here's the thing: when you try not to do something, you often end up doing exactly that. Your brain doesn't process negation well. "Don't give bad feedback" becomes "give bad feedback" in your unconscious. So you engineer the very outcome you're trying to avoid.

The Mistakes People Make

Students fall into predictable patterns when giving feedback.

Some give vague praise. "That was good. Well done." It sounds supportive, but it's meaningless. The person receiving it doesn't know what to keep doing or why it worked.

Others deliver feedback like a checklist. Fifteen things you did wrong and two things you did right. Except the person only hears the fifteen bad things. They're overwhelmed. Defensive. And they shut down.

Some people think feedback means telling you what they would have done instead. But that's not observation. That's opinion. And it comes across as superiority.

Others apologise excessively before giving feedback. "I'm really sorry, I don't mean to be critical, but maybe, if it's okay..." The apology undermines the feedback. It makes it sound like you're about to hurt them.

And then there are people who use the feedback sandwich. Positive, negative, positive.

It's a starting point, maybe. But it's performative. And most people are so conditioned to this model that they brace themselves for the criticism after the first compliment.

All of these approaches miss the point. Because feedback isn't about being nice or being harsh. It's about being useful.

What Good Feedback Actually Is

Good feedback is observation. Not judgement. Not praise. Not criticism. Just what you noticed.

"I noticed you leaned in when they started crying. That seemed to create safety for them."

"I saw you fill the silence quickly. What was that like for you?"

"It seemed to me like you were uncomfortable when they mentioned anger. I'm curious what was happening for you."

That's feedback. Specific. Descriptive. Non-judgemental. And it invites reflection instead of telling them what to fix.

The language matters. "I noticed" or "It seemed to me" or "I observed" keeps it in your experience. You're not saying they did something wrong. You're sharing what you saw.

And here's the S-tier feedback: What did you experience inside yourself as the observer? What came up for you while watching the exchange? That's deeper. It's not about what they did. It's about what their work evoked in you. And that can be incredibly illuminating for them.

But it's still observation. Not judgement.

How to Deliver Feedback Without Being a Dick

Start by asking yourself: "How will this support their development? How will this nourish them?"

Feedback is feeding something back. Nurturing. Not criticising.

So you focus on two or three meaningful things. Not everything you noticed. Not fifteen issues. Just what matters most right now.

And you frame it as observation, not instruction.

Bad feedback: "You're not listening well. You need to stop interrupting."

Good feedback: "I noticed you interrupted twice when they paused. I'm curious what was happening for you in those moments."

See the difference? One is judgement and instruction. The other is observation and invitation to reflect.

You're not telling them what to do. You're offering something for them to consider. They can take it or leave it. It's their choice.

The Buffet Approach

Think of feedback like a buffet. You're laying out observations. "Here are some things I noticed." And the person receiving it picks what's useful to them.

You're not responsible for them taking it on board or changing. You're just offering information. That's it.

In a corporate environment, feedback often comes with expectations. You give feedback, and you need to see them act on it. But that's not the frame here.

In counselling training, feedback is just observation. You notice things. You share them. And the person decides what to do with that information.

That takes the pressure off both of you. You're not performing authority. They're not performing compliance. You're just two people having a conversation about what you noticed.

Honesty and Kindness Aren't Opposites

Students sometimes think they have to choose between being honest and being kind. But that's a false binary.

You can be honest and kind. You can be specific and compassionate. You can notice difficult things and deliver them with care.

"I noticed you avoided eye contact when they talked about their loss. That might have created distance. What was going on for you?"

That's honest. It's also kind. It's not harsh. It's not vague. It's useful.

The tone matters. The framing matters. And the intention matters.

Are you giving feedback to help them grow? Or are you giving feedback to show off your knowledge? To prove you noticed? To assert superiority?

If it's the latter, you're being a dick. Even if your words sound nice.

But if your intention is genuinely to support their development, that comes through. Even when the feedback is difficult to hear.

What About the Feedback Sandwich?

The feedback sandwich (positive, negative, positive) can be a starting point. But it's limited.

Because it reinforces a binary. Good things. Bad things. Positive. Negative.

But feedback in counselling isn't about good or bad. It's about observation. What you noticed. What seemed to happen. What you experienced.

So instead of framing feedback as positives and negatives, just offer observations.

Some about what worked. Some about what could be explored. All framed neutrally.

"I noticed you stayed present when they got angry. That seemed helpful. I also noticed you rushed to reassure them when they cried. I'm wondering what prompted that."

No sandwich. No binary. Just observations.

You Don't Have to Cover Everything

Here's what helps: you're one observer in one session. Over the course of eighteen skill sessions, they'll get eighteen sets of feedback from different people.

You don't need to mention everything. If there's a pattern, it'll come up again. Someone else will notice it. Or they'll notice it themselves.

So you focus on the most important things. The ones that will support their development right now. Not everything you could possibly comment on.

That makes your feedback more meaningful. And it keeps the other person from feeling overwhelmed.

Your Experience of Feedback Shapes How You Give It

If you've only ever received feedback as criticism, you'll give feedback like criticism. Even if you're trying not to.

So notice that. Tune into your own discomfort. Your fear of upsetting them. Your worry about sounding judgemental.

And then set it aside. Because your job isn't to protect them from feedback. Your job is to give them useful information.

That doesn't mean being brutal. It means being clear. Specific. Honest. And kind.

You're not responsible for how they receive it. You're just responsible for delivering it well.

The Real Purpose of Feedback

Feedback isn't about pointing out mistakes. It's about supporting reflection.

You're offering observations so the person can notice their blind spots. Consider patterns. Think about what they want to work on next.

You're feeding them information. Nurturing their development. Helping them grow.

And when you frame it that way, it stops being awkward. Because you're not criticising.

You're not praising. You're not performing authority.

You're just noticing. And sharing. With care.

That's how you give feedback without being a dick about it.

Ready to Develop This Skill?

If this approach to giving constructive, meaningful feedback resonates with you, our Level 3 and Level 4 courses embed peer feedback throughout. You'll practise giving and receiving feedback as an essential skill, learning to support your peers' development with honesty, kindness, and clarity.

This is lifelong professional practice. And it starts here.

Find out more about Level 3 and Level 4 at The School of Counselling.

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About The School of Counselling

The School of Counselling is a CPCAB-approved online training provider offering Level 2, Level 3, and onsite Level 4 diploma counselling courses. Our person-centred approach emphasises self-awareness, reflective practice, and creating the conditions for genuine therapeutic relationships. We work with small cohorts, qualified counsellor tutors, and an international student body, ensuring you're supported every step of the way.

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Frequently Asked Questions

What if I genuinely think someone's doing something wrong?

Frame it as observation, not judgement. Instead of "You're doing X wrong," say "I noticed X happened. What was that like for you?" You're inviting reflection, not correcting them. That's more useful than telling them what to fix.

How do I balance honesty with kindness?

They're not opposites. You can be honest and kind. Be specific about what you observed, deliver it with care, and frame it as information for them to consider. Honesty without care is brutality. Kindness without honesty is useless. You need both.

What if they get defensive?

That's their response, not your responsibility. If you've delivered feedback well (observation, not judgement), their defensiveness is information about how they receive feedback. You don't need to manage their reaction. Just offer the feedback clearly and kindly.

Should I always use the feedback sandwich?

It's a starting point, but it's limited. It reinforces a binary (good/bad) when feedback should be observation. Just offer what you noticed, some things that worked and some things to explore, all framed neutrally. No sandwich needed.

How much feedback should I give?

Two to three meaningful observations. Not everything you noticed. Focus on what will support their development right now. They'll get more feedback from others over time. You don't need to cover everything in one session.