Your Difference From Your Client Is Information, Not a Problem

Your difference from your client isn't a barrier. It's valuable information. Learn how to work across difference in counselling with curiosity and empathy.

You're sitting across from someone whose world feels completely foreign to you. Different culture. Different class. Different life experiences. And suddenly you feel it: that sinking realisation that you have no idea what their life is like.

Your first instinct? Panic.

Students in training often hit this wall hard. The belief that you need shared experience to offer real help. That without familiarity, you've got nothing to offer. That your difference from the client is a limitation, a barrier, maybe even disqualifying.

But here's what needs reframing: your difference from your client isn't a problem to overcome. It's information. Valuable information.

When Difference Feels Like a Dead End

The panic shows up in predictable ways. You run out of familiar ground and freeze, like a deer in headlights. You feel helpless. Disempowered. Suddenly counselling feels impossible because you can't map their experience onto your own.

This happens across all kinds of difference. Class. Culture. Religion. Age. Gender. Life experiences you've never touched. Parenthood when you're not a parent. Grief you haven't lived through. Addiction you've never experienced. The list goes on.

At The School of Counselling, we work with students from Colombia, Mexico, Vietnam, the United Arab Emirates, across the UK. The range of backgrounds, lifestyles, and worldviews is vast. Which means encountering difference isn't occasional. It's constant.

And when it hits, students often default to the same solution: trying to understand by association. Reaching for something familiar. Making the client's experience fit into their own frame of reference so it makes sense.

But that's where empathy starts to break down.

The Trap of Over-Identification

When you try to understand someone by mapping their story onto yours, you start deleting details. The parts that don't align with your experience get smoothed over. You create a casual interpretation, a version of their story that fits your understanding.

You're no longer listening to their unique experience. You're listening through your filters.

I've written before about how your own material gets in the way. This is part of that.

When difference feels overwhelming, the temptation is to minimise it. To say "we're all human really" or "I know what you mean" or "I've been through something similar."

But that flattens their reality. It restricts your ability to truly hear them.

The irony is that over-identifying limits connection. You think you're building a bridge by finding common ground, but you're actually projecting your experience onto theirs. And in doing so, you miss what makes their experience distinctly theirs.

What Difference Actually Reveals

Here's the reframe: when you notice difference between yourself and your client, you're being given something useful.

Difference reveals your assumptions about what's "normal." It shows you what you take for granted about how life works. Your privilege. Your blind spots. Your worldview. All of it becomes visible through contrast.

That's not comfortable. But it's incredibly valuable.

When you sit with someone whose life is nothing like yours, you're forced to question your certainties. You can't rely on assumptions. You have to actually listen. And that creates space for genuine curiosity.

Carl Rogers spoke about unconditional positive regard as one of the necessary and sufficient conditions for therapeutic change. At its heart, unconditional positive regard is about prizing the other person. Valuing their experience beyond your need to understand it or make sense of it.

Difference invites you into that. It asks you to let go of the idea that your comprehension is what matters most. The client's reality matters more than your ability to relate to it.

And when you can hold that, something shifts. You become more present. More humble. More genuinely interested in their world rather than trying to fit it into yours.

The Liberation in Not Knowing

There's something freeing about saying "I don't know what that's like for you."

Students often worry this admission will damage trust. That it reveals incompetence or lack of qualification. But the opposite is true.

Authenticity builds trust. When the difference between you and your client is obvious, pretending you understand undermines connection. They know you don't. And when you acknowledge that honestly, you're being congruent.

Congruence, another of Rogers' core conditions, is about being at peace with yourself. Not performing. Not pretending. Just being authentic.

And that authenticity is an invitation. When you model honesty about your limitations, you create space for the client to be honest about theirs. You're not trying to relate by force. You're simply present, curious, and open.

"Tell me what it's like for you" becomes the gateway to deeper understanding. Not understanding in the sense of "I've experienced that too," but understanding as witnessing. Holding their reality without needing to colonise it with your own.

What Good Practice Actually Looks Like

So what does this look like in the room?

First, notice when you're nodding along and trying to map their experience onto yours.

That's the signal. When you catch yourself thinking "oh, I know what they mean" or pulling from your own life to make sense of theirs, pause.

Acknowledge your limitations instead. "I haven't experienced that. Tell me more about what that was like for you."

This isn't about making the client educate you about their identity or culture. It's about staying curious without assuming. It's the difference between interrogation and genuine interest.

Watch out for the phrase "I understand." You probably don't. And when you say it, it can feel like you're closing the conversation down. Like you're saying "you don't need to explain any more."

Instead, stay with not knowing. Let the discomfort of difference inform your work rather than trying to patch it up with false familiarity.

Supervision becomes critical here. When you're working across difference, you need space to explore what gets activated in you. What judgements surface. What assumptions you're making. Personal therapy helps too, particularly when your reactions to difference reveal something unresolved in you.

This is ongoing work. You don't master it. You just get better at noticing when your filters are interfering and gently setting them aside.

Difference as a Resource

The students who thrive on our courses are the ones who start to see difference as a resource rather than an obstacle. They recognise that not having shared experience doesn't disqualify them. It deepens their capacity to listen.

Because at the end of the day, counselling isn't about fixing or advising or relating through shared stories. It's about being present with another person in a way that allows them to feel less alone with what they're carrying.

You don't need to have lived their life to do that. You need empathy. Self-awareness. Humility. And a willingness to sit with not knowing while staying deeply curious about their world.

Your difference from your client gives you all of that. It strips away the temptation to project. It keeps you humble. It invites genuine curiosity. And it creates the conditions for the client to be truly seen and heard, not through your lens, but through their own.

That's the work. And difference doesn't get in the way of it. Difference is part of it.

Ready for Deeper Training?

If this approach to working with difference resonates with you, our Level 3 Certificate in Counselling Studies takes this work much further. You'll explore how to hold complexity, deepen self-awareness, and develop the skills to work across all kinds of difference with confidence and humility.

Our person-centred approach means you'll be supported by qualified counsellor tutors in small groups where difference isn't just discussed. It's lived, explored, and integrated into your practice.

Find out more about Level 3 at The School of Counselling.

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About The School of Counselling

Based in Oxford, The School of Counselling is CPCAB-approved online training provider offering Level 2, Level 3, and Level 4 counselling courses. Our person-centred approach emphasises self-awareness, reflective practice, and creating the conditions for genuine therapeutic relationships. We work with small cohorts, qualified counsellor tutors, and an international student body, ensuring you're supported every step of the way.

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Frequently Asked Questions

What if I have nothing in common with my client?

That's not a barrier. You don't need shared experience to offer empathy. What you need is curiosity, humility, and a willingness to listen without projecting your own story onto theirs. Difference often creates space for deeper listening because you're not trying to relate through familiarity.

Should I tell my client I don't understand their experience?

Yes, when it's true. Authenticity builds trust. If the difference between you is obvious, pretending you understand undermines the relationship. Saying "I don't know what that's like for you, tell me more" invites honesty and deeper connection.

How do I avoid making assumptions based on difference?

Notice when you're trying to make their experience fit into your frame of reference. Catch yourself nodding along or thinking "I know what they mean." Then pause and ask them to tell you more. Supervision helps you see patterns you miss in the moment.

What if my difference from the client makes me feel like an imposter?

That's common, but it's not disqualifying. Your anxiety about difference often reveals a belief that you need shared experience to help. You don't. What matters is your capacity for empathy, self-awareness, and genuine presence. Those aren't dependent on having lived the same life.

Does this mean I shouldn't share my own experiences in counselling?

Not necessarily. But be mindful of why you're sharing. If you're sharing to prove you understand or to relate by force, it's probably not helpful. If you're sharing because it genuinely serves the client's process and you're clear it's not about you, that's different. The key is intention and self-awareness.